I'd love to be able to tell you that there is a drug out there that can help you boost your resilience. Pop a couple of pills when you feel challenged, and poof! Your emotions are cleaned up and you can get through anything. Long-lasting effects guaranteed! 50% off today!
We'll pass on the snake oil for today, thanks.
Where does resilience come from?
Resilience is something that comes from within: it is one's ability to recover quickly from challenge or adversity.
Resilience, like many psychological traits, comes more or less naturally to different people. And the thing is, you don't know how resilient you are until you are faced with adversity. Maybe you'll surprise yourself and move forward with extreme grace. And maybe you'll get overwhelmed and stuck (it happens).
If you are struggling, keep reading; resilience is a skill that you can work on.
Learning how it works may help you cultivate your own inner strength.
How does resilience work?
At this point, you might be thinking that, sure, inner strength sounds like a great tool, but it can't be enough if you’ve lost a loved one/been fired from your job/been depressed/etc.
Terms like inner strength, wellbeing and resilience often get thrown around in the wellness space. Wishy-washy words that sound vaguely encouraging are not what I aim to give you in this piece.
After all, how many motivational posters have really helped you before?
Yes, you can do it, but how? Let's look at how a resilient mindset works in action:
👉 Noticing when you’re spiralling
Events are only traumatic when we experience them as such. That isn’t to say that it isn’t valid for you to feel negatively or to struggle in response to the event in question. But the extent to which you are affected by something largely depends on your mental reconstruction of it.
In other words, on your thoughts.
Example.
A pandemic hits the world and you are stuck at home. Your workload is affected, you are worried about your family, and you are having to spend your birthday at home and taking lots and lots of Zoom meetings.
Now, your inner monologue will probably go something like this:
“I'm all alone on my birthday, which feels pretty meaningless now. Can’t even go out for a beer. I can’t believe I’m stuck in my house, having drawn-out meetings I don’t even care about.”
So your thoughts turn sour in these circumstances. That’s not unusual. You can try as hard as you can to turn them into positive, grateful thoughts, but sometimes that’s just another to-do that’ll make you feel like crap.
So what can you do? What matters is not so much what you do, but what you notice.
Take another look at the above monologue. Observe the emotions that come with them. Is there frustration? Anger? Indignation? Sadness? Loneliness? Boredom? Despair?
You know the cycle: you have a thought, then you start getting angry, then more thoughts come tumbling in and you feel angrier and angrier. (How many fights do you relive over and over until you crush your opponent?)
Notice this cycle.
Once you realise that your thoughts are making you feel all kinds of unproductive feelings, how can you trust them at all?
This understanding can help you put some distance between you and your thoughts so that they stop being all-consuming. Of course, they’ll still be there, and you’ll still be feeling whatever you’re feeling. But you’ll be able to give your thoughts a distrustful side-eye… 👀 and that’s powerful.
👉 Giving credit (only) where credit is due
When we are faced with something challenging, it’s easy to get caught up in our own sense of importance… or powerlessness. Some quick reminders:
◾ Bad events are not your fault. (A pandemic definitely isn’t).
◾ A bad event is one (1) element, not a sign that you are living your whole life wrong.
◾ No situation is set in stone. You can change your personal circumstances.
How can I build up my resilience?
Allow me to make a quick disclaimer.
When you're looking to build up your resilience, you may hope that you can return to a ‘before’ state. There is a temptation to go back to how things (or how you) were before a trauma or a big change happened. Even the word itself sort of promises that; resilience comes from the Latin resilire, to leap or spring back.
But once stretched out, is an elastic ever the same again?
(People with long hair can tell you: it’s not).
You cannot go back. Only forward, with some adjustments.
So how do you build resilience?
You start by treading carefully. If you're in the middle of a crisis, take stock of your situation. When you’re hearing catastrophic thoughts swirling in your head, notice what effects they have on your body.
💭 Does the thought “nobody loves me” come paired up with slouchy shoulders, sadness and some extra thoughts about what makes you so utterly unlovable?
💭 Does the thought “I can’t keep my business open” come with a racing heart, a bit of terror and the word GUILT written in large, flaming letters?
Curiosity is your friend.
When you are aware of what’s happening in your body and mind, it’s (a little bit) easier to figure out when you might be thinking—or acting—with an unclear mind.
When we’re under stress or facing uncertainty, our physical responses can be intense. Our fight-or-flight instincts blow things out of proportion, making us feel that whatever we're worried about is a huge deal.
Although cognitively, we might know that things aren't that bad, we certainly feel differently. And that can lead us to make poor decisions.
Thankfully, these heightened feelings of fear and urgency recede after a while. So if you can, take a look at the goings-on of your mind, then let things settle. Once your thoughts pass and your emotions quiet down, your mind will be a lot clearer and you will be ready to take action.
If you would like some resilience coaching, apply now for a grant to access the One Thought video course—for free. We’ve built this platform to give people like you the support they need to create more mental space in their personal life and at work. We've experienced first-hand how transformative this stuff can be, and we want to pass it on.
